I want the American dream.
I want a white picket fence, and I want to call the police whenever someone gets too close to it.
I want to swear and yell at kids, angrily telling them to “get off my lawn!” with my fist shaking in the air, and a menacing scowl.
I want to care more about the cleanliness of my driveway than anything else, and if my neighbor’s walk is not as clean as mine, well, he must be a terrorist. Only someone who hates America would let so much time go by between power washes.
I want to feel pride: neighborhood pride; subdivision pride; zip code pride; gay pride; German pride; pride in knowing I’m doing a hell of a lot better than the next guy, and even if I’m not doing better right now, at least I’m not a child molester.
I want to feel pride in this great nation when something terrible happens. Following the attacks of 9/11, the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, the grim realities of the mounting death toll in Iraq, school shootings, oil spills and any sort of disaster, natural or otherwise, I want to stand with my fellow patriots, as we show our unity and brotherhood. Of course, two weeks later I want you to get the hell out my face, you piece of crap.
I want to get teary at ceremonies on Memorial Day, Veteran’s Day, the Fourth of July. I want to be filled with such a pride and respect I vow to live my life differently from there on out. I want to feel the emotion swell as I watch the fireworks, and remember all those who can no longer watch them with me. Then I want to flip someone the bird on the drive home and wipe my fat ass with a tissue emblaoned with the American flag.
I want to profess, at Thanksgiving dinner, how very blessed and fortunate we all are, and how we need to “stick together” to keep this country “the greatest in the world.” Then I want to tell the homeless man outside the bank to ‘Get a job, you drain on society!’ and drive around in my Japanese car, listen to my personal music player from China and shut myself up in my house built and maintained by the illegal immigrants to whose backs I mumble racial slurs.
I want every public speaker to end a speech with “God Bless America,” then I want to complain about how the government is worthless and corrupt.
I want to know brave men and women fought and died for my freedom, then sit idly by as I’m raped of every last shred of it, in the name of “security.”
But, above all, I want to be a walking contradiction, a true hypocrite, a hate-fueled shell of a human being.
I want the American dream.
by Jon Novin; Gaseoustania Tonight
Note: The views and content expressed herein, including some use of language, do not necessarily represent the opinions of Gaseoustania Tonight.