Excused: How to Get Out of Jury Duty

Recently, our illustrious editor was summoned for jury duty and was none too happy about it, either. I, personally, don’t give a damn about his petty, self-made troubles.

But he did raise a good point, suggesting that it has becoming increasingly difficult to be excused from court service. I saw a TV show where one of the characters said “Smart people get out of jury duty.” True enough.

The problem for those ‘smart people’ now, though, is that court clerks have, literally, heard every excuse in the book.

“I’m a racist.”
“I hate cops/law enforcement.”
“I hate everyone.”

“My boss will fire me if I miss any days.”
“I work in news/media/etc.”
“I work in the circus.”

“I can’t be unbiased.”
“I can’t keep my mouth shut. I’ll blab to everyone!”

“I’ll kill myself if selected.”
“I’ll kill a court officer if selected.”  (I recommend you don’t use this one. it gets you out of jury duty, yes, but causes a whole new trial (yours) for someone else to get roped into JD)

“I am a man trapped in a woman’s body.”
“I am a woman trapped in a man’s body.”
“I am a Wookie trapped in a marmoset’s body.”

and on, and on, and on…

Don’t even bother coming up with an excuse. You might think it’s the perfect way to get out of the jury room. You might think it’s never been used before. You might think you’ll be the first to beat the system. And you will be wrong.

But, friends, there is a golden key, a magic phrase, you can use, and I dare say it’s fool proof. Dare I say it? Yes, I am going to go ahead and say it. It’s fool proof.

Just say you’re moving.

Think about it, what can they say to that? I have used this excuse only one time, when I was, in fact, moving out of state, and it was not once questioned.

No one called my employer to see if I had given notice. No one contacted me to inquire how I was coming along with packing and if I needed any boxes. No one checked up on me at all.

This is not an international flight. It is the lowest form of forced community service ever conceived. They don’t need to know any details of your private life.

If, for some absolutely sadistic reason, your request is denied using this excuse, you should immediately find out who in the court system will be paying for your extra month’s rent, who will paying the full wages you would have been earning had you been able to relocate like a free citizen and take that new job… you get the point.

But what if I’m not really moving, you ask? Won’t they, eventually, find out?

This is the truly beautiful part, my friends. Today’s tight job market and unstable financial situation make it easier than ever to have a sudden change of plans, lack of money, anything you can come up with.

By then, your would-be jury service will be over, anyway. What are they going to do, make you come in for the next assignment date? That would cast some serious doubt on the “jurors are randomly selected” line they expect us to buy.

Are they going to punish you for not having the money to relocate, for finding a great local opportunity you couldn’t pass up, for changing your mind? Is it a crime to change your goddam mind now?!

It’s high time private citizens fight back and stop taking it in the arse from the legal system. Hit ‘em where they can’t hit back. Let them know that, just because you have a driver’s license or a voter registration card, you are not the U.S. Government’s bitch.

Don’t sit back and let them treat you like a second-class citizen any longer!

by Paymon West; Gaseoustania Tonight

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